When I was little, I didn’t think I was clever enough to be a writer. It wasn’t until my mid-twenties that I committed to this path, even though I’d wanted to for a lot longer. I’d always had this fear of ‘lack’. I didn’t have brains, and you had to have brains to write.
Look at all these ‘notions’ that were in my head! I was young when I thought all of this – not more than twelve or thirteen – yet I’d already formed such opinions. Ironic, that here I was, believing I wasn’t clever enough to write, yet giving such credence to my thoughts so as to be ruled by them. What made me follow the idea I wasn’t clever enough, rather than the one saying: Wouldn’t it be great to be a writer?
These two contrasting urges exist in many of us. It’s often what brings writers to work with me, so that I can help them learn to follow the impulse they want.
I know what it’s like to have a deep desire to write, whilst hearing a voice that says, ‘you’re not good/clever/funny enough’. It’s what gives me passion for the work I do: aware of how long I accepted this conflict; knowing it doesn’t have to be that way.
So, what did I do? How is it I can now write every day and enjoy it, feel happy about the act of putting words down? Here I am, sitting in my armchair with my notebook on my lap in the early hours while the sun pours in through my East facing French windows and my dog bathes in the glow on the carpet, and I’m so content.
It’s because this is the time I get to be with my Self. Now, I want to just say here that I’ve always spent time alone, but I’ve not always been with my Self. I’ve been with pain, doubt, confusion. This is the self that also says, ‘you’re not good/clever/funny enough’. I’m talking about what goes on beneath that. This is the part of me (and the part of you) that existed before I learnt right from wrong. It’s the part that was there before I was told off for the first time, or had early encounters with shame, envy, humiliation, doubt. All of that crap exists in the mind, a photo album of every experience the brain has logged, which is why – at first – we believe that being with ourselves is not particularly pleasant.
Beneath the shame, the fear, the doubt, is the body, the soul. Here, is a source of life that’s pure. Here is creation! When I write, I have a glimpse of that. Yes, I hear thoughts, wondering what the hell I’m up to. But many of them have become like the plane that flies overhead, or birdsong beyond the window. They’re a sound that exists, but we do not listen to the whoosh of the jet in the sky as an indisputable message of who we are, do we? The tweet of the birds is not a code we suddenly have to live by! So too thoughts can be left to sound out.
Through my writing, I have found a kinder guide. Here, I am led by a hand that reaches towards me with love. It says, ‘you are perfect, just the way you are.’
Sign up for my free, online webinar ‘Unleash your Creativity’ which takes place on Thursday December 13th, from 6.30pm to 7.30pm. This webinar will help you make a stronger connection with the writer within so that you can begin to create without limitation.